Peru 15: Day 3 – learning to meditate

I woke up feeling like crap, as expected. My night was really bad and I didn’t want to do anything. All those negative thoughts I had had actually manifested into my dreams. I can still remember this clearly. I was also having second thoughts about doing ayahuasca. I wasn’t ready to face my demons. I didn’t think I can beat them.
Although I had planned to go to the Huaca Pucllana ruins with Aaron and Cara, I honestly did not feel like it, so I told Aaron this when he awoke and he was cool with it.

Hana. I needed to look for her. Luckily, she was sitting right outside in the garden with Cara. I said good morning to both of them and just listened to them talk. When they finished, I asked Hana for a favour. I wanted her to teach me to meditate. I’m not sure why I wanted to learn it, or how I even got the idea. I guess it was because Hana seemed like such a free spirit, and she seemed to be so knowledgable and understanding, I felt like she could help me see the light a little bit. She was completely down with teaching me and I was super relieved and excited.
After Aaron and Cara left for the ruins, Hana and I continued to chat for a little while. Nico also joined in the conversation for a bit but it seemed like he wasn’t that interested in spirituality and psychedelics. I think it was around this time that I found out Hana loves tropical house music, just like Aaron and I do. I was so sure that we weren’t into the same kind of music but what do you know. Coincidence or fate?
When I was ready, Hana and I walked down to the beach. I found out more about her and her history as we walked and she is as awesome as I expected.
At one point, we were talking and I mentioned that I hate myself. Hana asked me why and I gave her some reasons. Then the following happened.
‘Close your eyes.’
‘Okay, now what?’
‘Imagine yourself as a 5 year old.’
‘Alright.’
‘Now give him the biggest hug.’
I did.
‘Would you tell 5 year old you that you hated him?’
‘No.’
‘What would you say instead?’
‘You can do it.’
‘Exactly.’
That blew my mind.
At the beach, I showed Hana the location where Aaron, Cara and I hung out at the rocks. She laid down a blanket which we sat upon, then we removed our shoes and sat cross legged. That was when I regretted wearing jeans.
Hana walked me through some stretching and breathing exercises. Admittedly, I never found focused breathing any useful but when I did it with Hana, I felt my soul find some peace. It felt good. Then came the meditation. I am a person that gets distracted easily, but I tried my best to focus on the words that Hana was saying and also on my own breathing. The main issue was that my leg began to get pins and needles. I kept thinking about it but I didn’t stray too far off my path. By the end, I felt mentally weak and vulnerable. I opened my eyes when Hana told me to and she looked straight at me. Then she says,
‘I love you.’
And for the first time ever, I actually felt loved. The emotion was so overwhelming, tears started forming in my eyes. Hana was smiling and so full of positive energy, I felt it transfer to me and it was so weird because I hadn’t experienced anything like that before. Was that what it feels like to be happy? She asked why I was crying and I told her that she couldn’t say that to me. She asked why and I replied that I didn’t deserve it. And I don’t. I’m so broken, no one should love me… is what I would have said if Hana hadn’t taught me to manifest positivity. Instead, I’ll say I do deserve to be loved. Although I don’t believe it now, I will say it anyway and maybe one day it will manifest.
After meditation, she asked me if I wanted to have lunch with her and of course, I agreed. We spent a good 30-40 minutes looking for a raw vegan restaurant called La Chakra. I’d never been in a vegan restaurant before and it was pretty amazing. It was a small, quaint place. I recall seeing only two tables. One was already occupied by a Peruvian woman. The atmosphere was very relaxing. The walls were white and the decor was natural. I’m not sure how else to describe it. It was very zen-like. Even the toilet had random stones laid out in circles.
I ordered a Mexican sandwich but what I got was different to what I’d imagined. I’ll let the photo describe it.
Anyway, it was actually quite tasty. I don’t think I could ever become even vegetarian because I love meat too much but now I know that raw vegan food can be quite nice.
I’m not sure how but Hana and the Peruvian lady next to us started conversing and ended up talking about different vegetarian restaurants. She left Hana the names of her favourite places before she said goodbye to us. Hana has this special power of making everyone around her really nice and friendly. Maybe it’s her positivity energy flowing out of her. Anyway, after we finished eating, Hana bought some truffles from the same restaurant and shared them with me. I was grateful, especially since I knew that chocolates are her most favourite food in the world. We left but not before I bought some coconut oil for Cara. I knew the one she brought has frozen so I got her a new one.
Next, Hana and I went to a shopping plaza called Inka Plaza. They sold a ton of crafted goods like clothes, ornaments, crystals, instruments, boxes etc. Hana was looking for hammocks and found the cheapest place. It was amazing to see her use her limited Spanish to haggle. Like, her vocabulary was quite limited but she seemed so confident speaking it. Here, I bought Aaron a journal with an alpaca on the cover. I know he has a journal already but one never has enough journals.
As we walked back to the hostel, we stopped by at a supermarket where Hana bought ingredients to make cookies. I bought her a Kinder Surprise after telling her about them. I didn’t know they sold Kinder Surprises so it was a huge coincidence. Or it could have been fate.
Back at the hostel, Hana went to make the cookies and I went to socialise with Aaron, Cara and Nico. I was then told there was going to be a BBQ with a live band organised by the hostel. While waiting for that, Aaron and I went to get a bit of food. He bought a Subway 6-inch while I just got a drink. We ate at Parque Kennedy and played with the cats.
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