I’m really lost, and really scared

What is happening

I think this quarter-life crisis might be having more of an effect on me than I realised.

What is it that I’m afraid of? Why is there still a lingering piece of self-hatred in me? What have I forgotten that ‘cured’ me before?

What is the answer I’m looking for?

I’m really scared of the future. I don’t want to live one that I’m not happy in, yet I’m too worried to work towards the one I want to be in. It’s like… I’m too worried about failing. I think my mindset it like this:

If I don’t try, then I won’t fail.

Which is ridiculous of course. If I don’t try, then I always won’t succeed, but failing petrifies me and keeps me stuck in one place.

What I should do

Follow my heart. Okay, I cringed a little bit when I read that too, but it kinda fits, you know? I know what I want. I know what I need to do. I just need to do it. 

It’s just so difficult. I keep making excuses for myself but one day, I’m gonna need to take action.

Here’s my current plan:

  1. Carry this apprenticeship job on until after Christmas.
  2. Look for another job (anything paying minimum wage+ will do).
  3. Quit apprenticeship and start other job.
  4. Save money for camera and gear.
  5. Travel and take lots of cool videos.
  6. Come back with portfolio and apply to work in a production company.
  7. Work my way from the bottom.

The thought of low wage for 5+ years makes me sad but here are some quotes about taking small steps to cheer myself up. Hopefully if you’re in a similar situation, it’ll cheer you up too:

be-not-afraid-of-growing-slowly-be-afraid-only-of-standing-still-quote-1

“You need to be content with small steps. That’s all life is. Small steps that you take every day so when you look back down the road it all adds up and you know you covered some distance.” – Katie Kacvinsky (author)

“The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.” – Lao Zi (philosopher)

“The secret of getting ahead is getting started. The secret of getting started is breaking your complex overwhelming tasks into small manageable tasks, and then starting on the first one.” – Mark Twain (author)

There’s also this quote to keep yourself motivated:

pMtLSdk

As long as you know you’ve tried your best, nothing else matters.

st.

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